Seven Minutes in Ed
by StickyLickySweets
Summary: Not quite as perverted as the title suggests. But pretty perverted none-the-less. As a cruel joke, Double Dee and Eddy are forced into a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven. EddxEddy


"Abstain..! Desist! Halt!!"

"Or even _**knock it off**_, would ya'!?"

Eddy and Double Dee hollered, yelped and struggled as Rolf and Kevin wedged them together into Kevin's basement closet. Everyone was there to watch still wearing their prom (and Junior Prom) attires: Sarah dug around in the armpit of a pretty little yellow dress; Nazz's off-white faux-satin top flashed in the dim basement candle-light as she giggled at the goings-on; and Jimmy sat at the edge of his seat, too weak to engage the Eds like Rolf and Kevin could, but more than happy to encourage it from the sidelines like some demonic, cross-gendered cheerleader.

"Seven minutes in HEAVEN, Dorks!" "Take that, you losers!" "Weren't they just MADE for each other Sarah?" "Wow, Plank, who knew Kevin's Post-Prom Party was gonna turn out like this! HAW!"

"Bon voyage, guys!"

..And yes, even Ed was there, happily waving to his two friends from the back of the room. Where they were going, he didn't know, but the other kids had already assured him that those two were going to have LOTS of fun.

"Heh heh heh.." Kevin secured the double-shuttered closet door with a mere shoelace. Rolf wiped sweat from his brow.

"The two Ed-boys put up quite the fight! They'll surely rip each other to pieces in the ceremonial after-prom Broom Closet of Bludgeoning!"

At this, Kevin (and just about everyone else) looked up at Rolf. "Dude.. We're just playing Seven Minutes in Heaven…"

"That's right, Stupid!" Sarah interjected, "That's when you stick too people in a closet together and wait for them to go at it!" She played it out visually by mashing both palms together, following it up with mock-kissing noises.

"Heh.. Usually it's a girl and a guy, but Dorky and DOUBLE-Dorky been makin' eyes at each other all night. *snicker* What kinda losers don't even have a date for the prom? My dad says they're a regular couple of--.."

"Tee hee! I can just hear them now, Sarah!" Jimmy's rasping voice was like the slithering quiet hiss of a serpent right behind her ear. "Kissing and rubbing their gross little bodies together..!" At this, they both sneered before exchanging wickedly pleased expressions.

"…So no bludgeoning?"

Kevin snorted. "No, Rolf. No bludgeoning."

* * * *

Crammed between a defunct vacuum cleaner, a pail of mildewy rags and a stack of damp newspapers from the 70's, Double Dee and Eddy barely had room to breathe, let alone feel each other up like the Others expected them to.

"EDDY! You're -ruining- my father's cummerbund!" Double Dee squealed, trying to protect his family keepsake by scrambling upward, away from the writhing, kicking, flailing Eddy-shaped ball of limbs.

"Let me outta this stupid THING!" Eddy smashed his fist feebly against the door--with so little space to move, there was no way to get enough momentum to properly push it open. "Lets GO with them, you said. Lets GO to Kevin's -stupid- party you said! " he mocked Double Dee's high-pitched voice with his own puberty-cracked, gravelly one. "Now look at us!"

"Oh, Eddy, I know, I KNOW. Rest assured, I feel just as utterly humiliated as you do.. Do they actually expect us to.. BLUH..! Oh, God... " Double Dee gagged into his hand.. "But nevertheless, mindless destruction is NOT the answer." Even in an awkward situation like this, he couldn't help but straighten a box Eddy had managed to jostle. "Oh my!"

"At least breaking stuff makes me FEEL better--ARGH!" Eddy winced, straightening his back. "What the heck keeps poking' me in the ass!"

Uproarious laughter from outside.

Double Dee clammed up. For a good 30 seconds of their remaining 6:35 minutes, he could produce no words. His skin glistened in the mediocre lighting, moistened by his own profuse sweating. It was so quiet, save for Eddy's grunting and struggling, that Double Dee could swear to actually *hearing* his own sweat dripping off his chin and splattering on the floor.

"Um. Eddy, I don't know how to tell you this, but…" Double Dee whispered, his throat tightening around his voice like a boa constrictor silencing its prey. "But it seems that the confines of our current close-quarters environment has increased the p-proximal distance between our two bodies.. so drastically, in fact, th-th-that the newly induced friction has--has… Oh Eddy, It's ME…!" he bit his tongue so hard he hoped he'd severed it.

"What? Like your foot? How the hell'd you get it way up--" It was Eddy's turn to go frigid. From his feet to the top of his head, he couldn't move--paralyzed by the undeniable sensation of Edd's rock-hard anatomy digging into the left cheek of his ass.

"Eddy, don't panic… I-I-I can't help it--it's the FRICTION!"

"You have 30 seconds to knock it off.." he spoke tightly out the corner of his mouth, "Or I'm never speaking to you again."

"Eep! Um.. Certainly! Um, yes. Wait. Let me think.. Let me think…"

5 minutes, 10 seconds left in Heaven.

"Oh, CURSE molecular adhesion! Eddy, It won't go away!"

Not what Eddy wanted to hear or _feel_ considering he could swear the erection had not gotten smaller but larger. "Grrrr..!!! I'll get rid of it!" He'd regret his lack of foresight after he turned around, reached down roughly into the front of Double Dee's pants and straight into his underwear--grabbing him right around the thickest part of what mattered most. With his hand full of HOT… THROBBING… DOUBLE DEE.. Eddy's whole body suddenly fell limp. It appeared he hadn't thought much past how to stop his OWN erections.

Thank God Double Dee's hands had shot up instantly over his own mouth just in time to hush the scream. As a result of this new, interesting, completely forbidden stimulus, his whole body was hot and tingling and somehow numb… the way it felt when a part of his body "fell asleep' yet 'asleep' was the last way he could ever think to describe this.

"You're just making it _worse_.." Double Dee wept through his trembling fingertips.

Eddy was still in shock. He stared at where his hand simply disappeared into Edd's shorts, contemplating all the dangers at once. However startled he was right now, he simply wouldn't be Eddy if he couldn't recover and make all this look intentional.

"TRUST ME," he barked, relying heavily on the fact that neither of them could see each other's faces all too well in this crappy light.

"Um. O-Okay, Eddy.." Double Dee mumbled, quite transparent when it came to his own feelings on the matter..

Eddy gave a tediously slow pull upward.. And a quick little jerk down--not straying much from the way he usually handled himself. Well… at least the way he handled himself when his mom was standing on the other side of the bathroom door insisting he was jerking off while he was insisting he wasn't.

Double Dee winced with each stroke. A small gasp escaped him each time Eddy made a move with his icy cold hand. The motion itself was fiercely mechanical; somewhat passionless.. What? Did Double Dee, even for a moment, expect some tender caress? However, the longer Eddy stroked him, the more effective the action became. Afraid of bruising himself (lest his parents ever decide to check) Double Dee's own ministrations were masochistically meticulous, like being trapped in an indefinite loop of foreplay. Eddy's brutally-deliberate fist-pumping was almost welcome… in a totally platonic way of course!

The angle Eddy had chosen for this was awkward--the developing pain in his forearm only added to the stress, but he could feel from the tensing of Edd's thighs that Edd was getting close. If he stopped to re-adjust now, he might have to start over, which would eat up precious time! Time they desperately needed to get rid of this erection and make it look like nothing happened in this stupid closet before those idiots outside opened the door!

"Oh, oh, oh..!"

Eddy jumped. Not totally unlike Double Dee a few moments ago, HIS hand quickly clamped over Double Dee's mouth. He could feel his own face burst with red hot heat again.

"Shut UP.." Eddy warned, his heart secretly floating up in his throat, beating around inside like a frenzied bird. Deep down, he knew this was like dropping cyanide caplets down each other's throat. They were already teased enough at school for.. for being.._ THAT WAY_. He could no longer keep count of how many times he and Double Dee's names had been graphitii-ed onto a desk together with a little obnoxious heart drawn around them.

Another moan vibrated Eddy's hand… With Double Dee's head pushed back against the boxes, the sliver of light pouring into the closet revealed gleaming cherry-red cheeks.. Eddy wasn't quite sure if he was imagining the half-lidded eyes quietly begging him to finish Double Dee off… but only with Double Dee's unassuming, un-expecting, pleasantly passive repose.

_I wonder if this means Sockhead likes it rough… _

Eddy shocked himself with that one. He shut his eyes to concentrate.

**_50 seconds left in Heaven._**

Suddenly Double Dee couldn't breath.. His gasps for breath were met only with Eddy's suffocating palm, but somehow he could accept that and fight for oxygen through his insufferably narrow nasal passages. He tried to grasp at the floor with his toes through the bottom of his shoes.. He tried to arch his back but he got the corner of a box in his spine. Nothing about this was ideal… Yet to spite of all this, he managed to practically explode in Eddy's fist, sending liquid shrapnel through Eddy's clenched knuckles and all over the inside of his previously immaculate underwear.

Eddy released Double Dee's mouth. Stealthily, he attempted to reclaim his hand. Not being the most sensitive cuss, he still knew enough to be careful around ground zero.

"Oooh.." Double Dee's legs quivered. Never had he experienced the breath-taking release of Orgasm. The short time it took for Eddy to furiously wipe his hand on a nearby discarded rag felt like a sweet, fuzzy-hearted eternity for Double Dee. While panting and dripping with fluids of elation, he made a split-second decision with a brain temporarily cross-wired by affection:

_**Five… Four, three…**_

Double Dee pressed his lips to Eddy's, nearly swallowing him whole with his open-armed, open-mouthed, openly-loving embrace. His roaming fingers twisted in the cloth on Eddy's back.

_**Two…**_

"Mm-ph!! Get OFFA ME!"

_**One.**_

When the light came on, there were 6 faces pouring down their derisive gaze like 6 interrogation room spot-lights. It was accompanied by what had to be the loudest silence imaginable. Eddy kicked Double Dee off him in a fit of panic.

"Heh, heh..! Wow..! See what a_ HU-U-UGE_ waste of seven minutes that was? I was even starting to get cold from all the.. **not-touching** we did!"

Double Dee was too petrified to move. With his hands back on his own person, he could barely remain cognizant of where they'd been without slipping into a coma. And if he stopped everything else in his mind to contemplate where EDDY'S hands had been, said coma would be inevitable. So when Eddy moved to stand and grabbed his coat from the floor, Double Dee numbly followed suit.

"Well, we'd better get on home, ya' know.. " Eddy shoved his hands deep in his pockets. The less the others saw him fidget the better, "Mom's makin' sloppy joe's and well, you know how mom's get with all the naggin' and stuff!"

What were actually only a few stifled snickers felt like a cacophony of hoots, cackles and wails. "Dum dum dum dum.." Kevin sang an ominous version of "Here Comes The Bride". Nazz could stop giggling only long enough to give a little grin and a gentle touch on Double Dee's shoulder.

"It's about time you two _came out of the closet_, huh, Double Dee..?" she said in her pleasant yet naturally distant way that was easy to mistake for warmth. Double Dee turned to meet her chortling face, walking backward after Eddy for a few awkward steps as he nodded.

"Th-thank you?" was his mystified reply. Eddy gripped him rough by the shoulder and yanked him round front again.

On his way out, Eddy also grabbed a confused Ed by the eyebrow and dragged him up along side himself and Double Dee. Blowing a kiss goodbye to his sister, Ed followed his friends outside.

* * * *

"Um. Guys?" Ed stood in the snow watching his friends pass like a mini-funeral procession. "I don't understand what was so fun about that game! How hard is it to come out of the closet--"

"CAN it, Ed." Eddy groaned. "Man, why is my life is one big **GAY** joke.."

"Eddy, WAIT!" Double Dee broke and clamored up ahead, rushing past Ed who always managed to walk faster than he did. He grasped at Eddy's shoulder but upon Eddy's instant, forceful stop, Double Dee wisely retracted his hand. Temporarily stunned, it took a few moments for him to speak:

"I'm.. so sorry, Eddy, I-I don't have any idea what came over me!"

"Well I know what came all over ME!" Eddy spun around, pointing to his grubby, soiled mitt. " And now I have to go home and BOIL the skin off my hand!"

Eddy's tone was a small electrical jolt up Double Dee's spine. What normally incited rage or panic in him now caused him to bite his lip and unconsciously squeeze his thighs together in tingling anticipation. His uncertainty evaporated, leaving behind a dreamily-contented smile.

"..Then you'll have to boil your lips as well.." Double Dee pointed out, comfortably smug. "AND your nose…"

Much to Eddy's horror--Double Dee had the unreserved bravery to tap Eddy lightly on the tip of his nose.

"..And your -cheeks..-"

Eddy's face lit up like the sun. He marched away silently shrugging his head into his shoulders before Double Dee could unleash the full brunt of his newfound giddiness.

Ed stopped and looked at the enamored Double Dee… then at Eddy who must have been really excited about his Mom's sloppy Joe's cuz he sure was in a hurry. Dimly scratching his head, Ed squinted, "What did you do to Double Dee in the closet, Eddy?"

"For cryin' out loud!" Eddy jammed his fingers in his ears, quickly shuffling back home with a confused Ed and an unquestionably charmed Double Dee in tow.


End file.
